I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
