i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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