hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
