If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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