oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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