I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
