You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Did you just see the Batmobile???
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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