Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
