i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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