dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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