I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
The struggles of a small town man whore
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
