It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
