at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
