So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
