I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
