drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
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