i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
