you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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