There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
