This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
