It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Let's paint friendship bongs
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
