evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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