sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
My balls are so social today.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
