Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
25 Shocking High School Scandals You Won’t Believe Are True
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted