Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
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Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
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We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go