Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
