I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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