Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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