If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
