I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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