If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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