Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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