when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
