you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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