i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
