nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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