Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I just gargled with NyQuil
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
