I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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