my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
