The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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