I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
