when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
