I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
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