I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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