I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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