u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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