I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
