just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
