i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
