I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Randomize
