The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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