Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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