I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
oh god was she eating orange peels again
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
