This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
