How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Randomize
