how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
