Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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